Some Thoughts About Betty

My sister-in-law, Betty, died recently. She had been in my close circle of support after my wife, her sister, Carol, died three years ago.

I had known her for forty years, ever since I had started dating her sister. She often joked I was her favorite brother-in-law, an easy role to fill since I was her only brother-in-law. In fact we were always pretty close, and she was with me when Carol died in my arms.

A more upbeat and positive person, in the face of good times and bad, hardships and injustices, I can honestly say I have never known.

The last time I saw Betty was on the Saturday before she died of an apparent heart attack at the age of 68. That day was September 3rd, 2011, and I reminded her that that day happened to be the seventh anniversary of her mother's death. We talked about how we had lost three members of her family in four years, her mother in 2004, her brother Tommie in 2006, and Carol in 2008.

Three days later she was gone, too.

Deanna, her daughter, asked me to preach her eulogy but I declined. I have done five or six in the past, and did do the eulogy for Betty's and Carol's mother, my mother-in-law, back in 2004, but somehow I felt I wasn't up to the task now. I did serve as one of the pallbearers, though.

The viewing was held just before the funeral, in the same room of the same funeral home that Carol's was held. One reason Betty looked so natural and good in the casket was because Deanna actually did her makeup for her, rather than the funeral home doing it. I had never heard of that before, but it makes sense and worked out perfectly. It was good she could do that. Not many could, I imagine.

As I was wandering around looking at posters of pictures, I saw one that hit me like a freight train. It was a close-up head shot of Betty and Carol. It looked like I could have taken it 30 years ago and had completely forgotten about it. It was shot in my style, but Deanna could have taken it. Either way, it was completely unexpected and caught me totally by surprise. From that point on I was just barely able to keep my emotions in check.

During the eulogy the speaker asked for testimonials. In my experience, hardly anyone ever gives one, yet at Betty's funeral at least ten people came forward, one at a time, with warm, tender moments to share. I couldn't go up. It was all I could do to keep it together where I sat!

So many people came to the funeral that they had to add three more rows of chairs. I'd guess there were over a hundred mourners present.

At Shanghai Cemetery rests Betty's and Carol's parents. Carol is next to them, and my plot is next to Carol's. When I bought Carol's plot I also bought my own. There were two more left in that row, and Betty was going to buy them but never got around to it.

Deanna thought she was going to have to have Betty buried across the street in the newer part of the cemetery until I told her about those two plots left next to me, so she bought the one right next to me for her mother.

Funny the things you notice. When the funeral was over we all went by procession to the cemetery to load the casket onto the metal frame over Betty's open grave.

It occurred to me that after Betty's headstone goes up, with her on my right and Carol on my left, how will there be enough room for the frame to lower me into my open grave, or for the pallbearers to carry my casket to it? Will they have to toss me in from a short distance away with a catapult?

On seeing the arrangement, with me to be placed between Betty and Carol, Justin, my oldest son, said, "I see you've created your own personal hell." It was a funny line, and I don't think he meant anything by it. It did help to ease the tension a bit.

In the decade between 9/11/01 and 9/11/11 I've been to at least fifteen funerals, and could have gone to nearly that many more. Carol's and Betty's were by far the most difficult for me.